This scene. I can’t.
Excerpt from Fifty Shades of Howe
First in the Whos, the Whys and the Whats Series
BASED ON A TRUE STORY OF LOVE, LUST AND LUXURIOUS LOCKS IN THE DEEP ROADS
He stands before me, his nose larger than ever. Nathaniel Howe, laced up in tight leathers, with his lean, magnificent, polished bow in one hand. My inner Justice doesn’t approve of the way he makes me feel while my subconscious tells him to suck on a fireball.
Oh, but I want Howe to suck on my fireballs. Maker, he sets them aflame!
‘Anders,’ he says. I bite my lip. I know I’m bound to say something stupid, or start babbling about cats again. He sounds so much sexier than he ever did. Has he been eating rocks down here in the Deep Roads? It’s like cobblestones and bowstring calluses, like liquid sex.
‘The Deep Roads just got deeper,’ I say.
Maker, I’m such a fool! I could have just mentioned the plight of the mages and been more of a flirt! I blush, while a hidden breeze blows Nathaniel’s silky hair around his face. If anything I just have to know how he keeps it so shiny.
‘You look like you’ve lost weight, Anders,’ Nathaniel adds. ‘What have you eaten today?’
‘Oh…’ I bite my lower lip. ‘Just a sandwich.’
My inner Justice tells me I’m wasting important time we could be collecting sela petrae and threatens to take over. But Maker, howe he affects me…down there.
In my deep roads.
‘Thank the Maker it’s a lot sexier than this inside my head.’ — Anders
‘Isabela’s outdone herself this time. But not to worry: we’ve petitioned the seneschal and that will make it illegal for her ever to write again. You can rest assured this culprit will be punished for her crimes against literacy, decency and all citizens of Kirkwall.’ — Guard Captain Aveline Vallen
‘Two thumbs enthusiastically up. I especially enjoyed the scene with the tuber. Anders, you kinky bastard.’ — Garrett Hawke
‘If only I had the chance to get to know Nathaniel Howe better. No one ever told me he was my type.’ — Zevran Arainai
‘I refuse to re-enact anything from this book no matter how many times Isabela suggests it.’ — Fenris
‘The officially suggested remedy for having read this filthy text—by accident or through the sins of temptation—is to repeat the Chant of Light until all memories of its passages are scoured from your mind.’ — Sebastian Vael
‘I had absolutely no idea you could do any of that! Reading certainly is wonderful, isn’t it? Now, it’s not a story of the Dread Wolf, though to be fair, it did remind me of the old Dalish tales in so many places!’ — Merrill
‘Remind me not to eat the tubers at Anders’s place.’ — Varric Tethras, ESTEEMED AUTHOR
‘No, I haven’t read it. Why do people keep asking me that? It’s not the sort of book I’d… I am not blushing!’ — Knight-Captain Cullen
‘The real abomination.’ — Knight-Commander Meredith
‘I hate my life.’ — Nathaniel Howe
I am laughing so hard I snorted in a very unlady-like manner.